Being in New Jersey the last few weeks has been extremely difficult but it has given me a unique opportunity to gain closure in many areas of my life…former life actually. I have seen my entire life in retrospect. I have walked amongst the shadows of the many versions of myself and I have been able to understand each and every frustration I have ever encountered. I often say that things happen for a reason and that I believe that people always end up where they are meant to be. My current situation has added another level of concreteness to that belief.
Temporarily living at my parents house has brought a lot of things to the surface. I am surrounded by so many versions of who I was in the past. I am surrounded by possessions I left behind in high school and college. I see things that remind me that I was once confused and scared about the future. I see former versions of myself regretting so many missed opportunities and missing out on so many things because I didn’t think I could do them. I can see my 17 year old self sitting across the room having a meltdown because her SAT scores got lost. I can see my 16 year old self having the best cross-country season of her life and then loosing all her confidence in one foul swoop. I can see myself giving up on her dreams over and over again. It is frustrating to see this. It is frustrating to know that a former version of myself was so quick to give up and so quick to feel defeated when terrible things happened. As I stare into the shadows of who I was I turn them toward the future so that they can see how these things are all a part of the bigger plan. Each challenge I faced in the past has led me here. Each challenge I have overcome hardly seems challenging at all now.