Lost and exploring

The last few weeks I’ve been having an ongoing, complex, internal conversation with myself that just won’t end. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. The ideas I had and the goals I set just don’t seem right anymore.

Ever since I graduated in June I’ve been feeling a bit lost. I’m happy to have more time and I’m very happy to be done posting on discussion boards, writing papers, and reading textbooks. I’m thrilled to be done with graduate school; earning that degree was the highlight of my life. I just don’t know what to do now and I am choosing to explore this period of lackluster and evaluate my future goals. All I could think about while I was in graduate school was the things that I wanted to do when I was done, both professionally and in my personal life. Now almost 7 months later, I am struggling to accomplish even the smallest professional goals I had previoulsy set for myself. I am unsure if these goals are still correct for me. I’ve been distraught for weeks because I feel lost and confused. I like to have a plan, I like to know what I’m doing, and I enjoy working toward a goal–but I don’t want to work toward an arbitrary goal or do things that are unfulfilling. This weekend a friend helped me realize that it’s okay if I am not working on a huge goal right now. I need to continue having complex, internal conversations with myself as I go through an exploratory process. I am giving myself permission to stop working toward goals that no longer hold significant meaning, and who knows maybe they will come back around one day.

In retrospect, I realize how much of my time has been compromised because I felt the need to follow through on goals that no longer served me just for the sake of having a good track record of following through. It would have been more effective to evaluate what I was doing from a pragmatic perspective.

I feel lost right now but eventually I will find what I am looking for and I will instantly know when I’ve found it because I will be excited. Until then, I am choosing to keep exploring even if that means abandoning a goal or two that no longer serves me along the way.